i need funny jokes like hilarious, read discription !!!!!!!?
kenzie. (R
dirty is ok too
Answer
Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?
A: A toothbrush.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 60 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 60 million Iranians!"
George Bush and his friend were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.
"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to his friend, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," says his friend, "but we're getting farther from the truck."
A man came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The man said, "I'm a nice man. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every lawyer in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every lawyer in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every lawyer gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Cheney gets a call from his "boss", George Bush.
"I've got a problem," says George.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies George.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to him and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.
When the officer approaches the car, the woman is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, "So can I buy tickets to the west Virginia highway patrol's ball?"
The officer answers, "Ma'am, west Virginia highway patrol men don't have balls."
Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said
the genie.
The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
So Bush says, "Fill it with water."
Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?
A: A toothbrush.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 60 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 60 million Iranians!"
George Bush and his friend were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.
"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to his friend, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," says his friend, "but we're getting farther from the truck."
A man came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The man said, "I'm a nice man. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every lawyer in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every lawyer in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every lawyer gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Cheney gets a call from his "boss", George Bush.
"I've got a problem," says George.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies George.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to him and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.
When the officer approaches the car, the woman is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, "So can I buy tickets to the west Virginia highway patrol's ball?"
The officer answers, "Ma'am, west Virginia highway patrol men don't have balls."
Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said
the genie.
The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
So Bush says, "Fill it with water."
Have you ever traveled to Iran?
Q.
Answer
Yes, I went to two years ago with my husband whose from Tehran. We had a fantastic time. Everyone was so friendly and accommodating. Almost everywhere we went we were offered tea and sweets or fruit. They always seem to have those on hand somehow. We went to a market and bought like, 5 pounds of bananas for about a dollar. We went to one of the bazaars in Tehran and in Mashaad, and for women especially its like walking into a candy store only filled with jewelry and fabrics, clothes and spices and food. Kind of like Khan el Khalili in Cairo. And everything is sectioned off, like jewelry in one part of the bazaar, cooking suppplies in another, clothing in another, furniture and rugs in another. When we were in Mashaad there was a small art fair going on in one of the parks, you could buy local handicrafts and paintings. We also bought icecream cones, 3 for a dollar! and they really pile it on too. There was also this really yummy rosewater icecream with these frozen noodles, and a little bit of lemon juice, that was fantastic. I wish I could remember the name. We also visited the famous Imam Reza Mausoleum. It was so beautiful inside. You get to a room that is covered completely in little mirrors made into designs on the walls and ceilings. Theres a huge glass box in the middle of the room where you donate money. Some women in Mashaad where a little strange with me. One lady came up directly in front of me with her jaw dropped and eyes wide. I guess she had never seen a foreigner there before. I do stand out though. I'm quite tall with blue eyes and fair skin. So unfortunately, I did get a bit of staring. But still I never felt like an outcast. I only saw three other foreigner ladies while there, two were from Russia and one from Romania. Most people we met had never met an American before. It also made the price go up for anything we wanted to buy in the bazaar if they saw me. My husband asked me to point out anything I liked, then stay somewhere away from the shop so he could get a better price. This actually worked too.We got gold and silver for unbelievable prices. But now things have changed. My mother in law just came back a few months ago and said that prices for everything has increased ten fold. Even tomatoes which were relatively cheap has become like a luxury. Which is sad, considering most Iranians make just enough money to get by. Theres a mixture of old and new in Tehran. You'll see old 1970s cars along side brand new sports cars. Theres men that carry produce in the back of their pickup, and announce whats for sale that day through a megaphone. The selection changes almost everyday. I remember seeing families out in the local parks everyday. Family is very important in Iranian culture, and it shows. Some other interesting things I remember is that there are memorial paintings on the sides of buildings, of men who died in the Iran-Iraq war. Some buildings have paintings of Ayotollah Khomieini. Transportation is a wreck in the cities. Which is my only complaint. There are traffic lights, and most people obey them, but some don't. It was interesting to see a whole family of five packed onto one motorcycle, plus their groceries in hand. You can get a ride anywhere you want to go. There is a bus system, Men at the front and women at the rear. Or you can get a private cab or a shared cab. Private is obviously a little more expensive but if you want to share a cab there are plenty of citizens who will take you wherever you want to go for a negotiated price. Some people do this to make money on top of their day job. Its win-win situation. I didn't see any crime. Except during our wedding party someone broke into one of our guests cars, and took a bag. You have to always keep your doors locked, and most homes have one of those buzzers systems, to see whose at the door before you open it. You wouldn't believe how groomed and beautiful the modern women are. Some wear alot of make up, and some don't. But they always look stunning, even in hejab. I never once saw an Iranian women with bad nails.
If you get to go, you're going to love it. And I hope you come away with the same wonderful memories as I have. We are going again in a year or two, when our baby is a little older to enjoy the surroundings. I've only written a portion, theres so much more to say, but I hope you had a good time reading my post.
Yes, I went to two years ago with my husband whose from Tehran. We had a fantastic time. Everyone was so friendly and accommodating. Almost everywhere we went we were offered tea and sweets or fruit. They always seem to have those on hand somehow. We went to a market and bought like, 5 pounds of bananas for about a dollar. We went to one of the bazaars in Tehran and in Mashaad, and for women especially its like walking into a candy store only filled with jewelry and fabrics, clothes and spices and food. Kind of like Khan el Khalili in Cairo. And everything is sectioned off, like jewelry in one part of the bazaar, cooking suppplies in another, clothing in another, furniture and rugs in another. When we were in Mashaad there was a small art fair going on in one of the parks, you could buy local handicrafts and paintings. We also bought icecream cones, 3 for a dollar! and they really pile it on too. There was also this really yummy rosewater icecream with these frozen noodles, and a little bit of lemon juice, that was fantastic. I wish I could remember the name. We also visited the famous Imam Reza Mausoleum. It was so beautiful inside. You get to a room that is covered completely in little mirrors made into designs on the walls and ceilings. Theres a huge glass box in the middle of the room where you donate money. Some women in Mashaad where a little strange with me. One lady came up directly in front of me with her jaw dropped and eyes wide. I guess she had never seen a foreigner there before. I do stand out though. I'm quite tall with blue eyes and fair skin. So unfortunately, I did get a bit of staring. But still I never felt like an outcast. I only saw three other foreigner ladies while there, two were from Russia and one from Romania. Most people we met had never met an American before. It also made the price go up for anything we wanted to buy in the bazaar if they saw me. My husband asked me to point out anything I liked, then stay somewhere away from the shop so he could get a better price. This actually worked too.We got gold and silver for unbelievable prices. But now things have changed. My mother in law just came back a few months ago and said that prices for everything has increased ten fold. Even tomatoes which were relatively cheap has become like a luxury. Which is sad, considering most Iranians make just enough money to get by. Theres a mixture of old and new in Tehran. You'll see old 1970s cars along side brand new sports cars. Theres men that carry produce in the back of their pickup, and announce whats for sale that day through a megaphone. The selection changes almost everyday. I remember seeing families out in the local parks everyday. Family is very important in Iranian culture, and it shows. Some other interesting things I remember is that there are memorial paintings on the sides of buildings, of men who died in the Iran-Iraq war. Some buildings have paintings of Ayotollah Khomieini. Transportation is a wreck in the cities. Which is my only complaint. There are traffic lights, and most people obey them, but some don't. It was interesting to see a whole family of five packed onto one motorcycle, plus their groceries in hand. You can get a ride anywhere you want to go. There is a bus system, Men at the front and women at the rear. Or you can get a private cab or a shared cab. Private is obviously a little more expensive but if you want to share a cab there are plenty of citizens who will take you wherever you want to go for a negotiated price. Some people do this to make money on top of their day job. Its win-win situation. I didn't see any crime. Except during our wedding party someone broke into one of our guests cars, and took a bag. You have to always keep your doors locked, and most homes have one of those buzzers systems, to see whose at the door before you open it. You wouldn't believe how groomed and beautiful the modern women are. Some wear alot of make up, and some don't. But they always look stunning, even in hejab. I never once saw an Iranian women with bad nails.
If you get to go, you're going to love it. And I hope you come away with the same wonderful memories as I have. We are going again in a year or two, when our baby is a little older to enjoy the surroundings. I've only written a portion, theres so much more to say, but I hope you had a good time reading my post.
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